expectations.

i've been having a hard time lately. well now that i think about it, maybe it's been a problem i've had my whole life. it seems like everyone i know has expectations of me. family, friends, boyfriend, job... i feel like all of my time is taken up trying my hardest to fulfill these expectations. at the end of the day no time is left for me and the expectations, goals, and dreams i have for myself.

for as long as i can remember i have been a people pleaser. i will do anything to make sure the people in my life are happy, even if that means putting my own happiness on the back burner. to be honest, i do this with everyone, even acquaintances and strangers. i hate to think that someone might have a bad opinion of me. i am constantly worried about how what i say and do will come across to others.

i'm an introvert and sometimes all i want to do is go home, decompress, and get into whatever hobby is inspiring me that day. often though, i find myself agreeing to go out with friends even when i'd rather not. i'll spend my last $20 to go to a show or out to eat with someone just because they asked me to and i don't want to disappoint them by saying no. when i think about why i went to college the number one reason that comes to mind is that it is what my parents always wanted for me. don't get me wrong, they were never those overbearing parents insisting i have no other choice but to go to college. but in my mind, for whatever reason, i felt that i would be a massive disappointment to them if i didn't get a degree. so now i have a job that is far from my dream to be able to afford to pay on my student loans for an education i'm not entirely sure i wanted in the first place.

when i take time to reflect on this problem of mine i realize that it is just that, mine. i can't blame anyone else for having expectations of me. i can't blame anyone for my desire to please. i blame myself for not standing up for what i really want and need. i blame myself for not putting me first. so now that i've come to this conclusion, what's a girl to do? change it. it's going to be hard to change a lifelong habit but i'm determined. i'm tired of always worrying about what people will think. instead, i'd like to get to know what i think. it might come off as selfish, but after twenty-seven years of giving people what they want, i want to get what i want out of my time on earth.

there is just one thing i'd like to propose to anyone reading this: lighten up! if you know someone isn't a bad person, cut them some slack. i'm not saying to lower your expectations. i just think that if someone would prefer to stay home sometimes or forgets to text you back, it's not the end of the world and certainly not reason enough to dump them as a friend. so live and let live. focus on yourself and what you can do instead of the ways others disappoint you. maybe, that way, we'll all be happier in the end.